History of Emma
This is my story of how I got to be where I am today. It’s a long one, I’m warning you! Note: I haven’t included any ‘before/during/after’ pictures because these can cause comparisons and can be triggering to people with ED’s. And a serious warning: some parts may be upsetting or disturb people, so if you are at all sensitive in any way, please do not read!
I had a healthy attitude towards food and exercise and was quite active up until I hit secondary school, aged 12. Then I became much less active, and would often come home from school and have nothing to do. So I would sit down in front of the tv and eat a whole box of cookies, and then about 10 packets of chocolate bars to finish it off, not to mention other ‘treats’ throughout the rest of the day. Doing this every day soon led to a weight gain, but I was pretty much oblivious. Calories did not exist to me at this point. Then, about a year later, my mum tried to do something about it, by telling me that I needed to cut back and lose weight. I was only just overweight at the time, and not really aware of it, and so I was shocked that anyone thought I needed to lose weight! I remember running to the bathroom and jumping on the scales for the first time, and then breaking down into tears at the number I saw. I had been completely oblivious, and, although I knew my diet was having adverse affects on me, I just didn’t care.
And so began the diets. I secretly tried just about every diet I could find that offered a ‘quick’ solution. I remember crash dieting on a number of occasions so I could ‘drop a dress size in x days’ or ‘lose 10 pounds in a fortnight’. One memorable one was simply not eating for 3 days, and then I almost fainted in class. However, as soon as I ‘finished’ one of these diets, or if I ‘failed’ one of them, I would once again raid the cookie jar, and the starve-binge cycle would continue.
“In a disordered mind, as in a disordered body, soundness of health is impossible.” ~Cicero
Depression then set in. Aged 14/15, I became very depressed. I had no energy, I felt deprived, and I was deeply unhappy with my body image. I would come home every day from school, lock myself in the bathroom, and sob uncontrollably. And then I would put my ‘normal’ face back on for the rest of the world to see. I also started self-harming. It started off as a mark, for every comment I got about my weight, and then just as a general outlet for my self-hatred.
Everything changed quite suddenly when I stumbled across a healthy living blog. It was Angela’s and it was a post she had made on her blog called ‘A letter to my former self ‘. I cried when I read it, because so much of what she was talking about hit home with me. I then looked at her blog, and then through that found Kath’s, Caitlin‘s and many others (see my Blogroll for more). I was so shocked that these women all ate, and had such a healthy attitude to food! That was where my journey to health and happiness began, and I thank them and all healthy living bloggers for showing me the light! Operation Beautiful deserves a special mention, as that really built up my severely damaged self-esteem, and I try to leave notes wherever I go now!
Hopefully, my story and my ongoing journey to health and happiness will inspire others, just as other bloggers inspired me! I am now at my healthy weight, and with the help of other sources (like The Samaritans) I got past my depressed state. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments, etc.
Thanks for reading! I wish you all health and happiness too
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha